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Thursday, February 16, 2006 LiStEninG tO: Existence [Guilty Gear XX] k. why the fuck am i here. i just fucked up my common tests bar gp. why'd i drop econs. why am i not bloody studious and shit. i see no point trusting or respecting anyone. no fucking dirt is worth my time now. it's either me or just the fact that i'm sooo frustrated i can't think straight. everything lives within me as a memory, whether living or dead, happy or sad. wtfuck. how does one live on memories? memories of soccer, of dings' parties, of pehpeh's stayovers, of just hanging out with like cai sinchi jong etc. they can't leave my mind and it doesn't help. all it does is remind me of my failures. of how each and everyday i could've been elsewhere leading a different life, then again missing out on a bunch of wonderful ppl that i now spend almost 5 days a week with. i feel exhausted in all aspects, i'm prepared to just give it allllll up n take a 3 day sleep from friday to monday. each day i feel myself about to crumble. all the happiness i get sapped out almost instantly when i let myself think. my life has changed greatly. it's funny how ppl think i love playing ps2 n wow n wc3 n com, when actually all i want to do is just be with my friends, no matter the manner in which we interact n stuff. but no. now, everything's a mess, nothing fills my mind but how i failed every1, how i failed everything, how i failed, how i left the rafflesian family with nothing but desperation and sadness, how i failed in upholding the rafflesian principle of honor, how i failed my parents, how i failed my sensei, how i failed my friends, how i failed. seeing the cute lil mat elaine gave me as a vday gift set me thinking. wow took a great part of my life away from me. and i'm not even goddamn addicted. i can live without it just fine. i just can't live without the friends i've made there, neal, sarah, phoebe etc. the impact is there, their presence made and felt. and i look around to see my own self slipping away. when was the last time i went for aikido. when was the last time i bothered to spar and take a feel of the skills i've learnt for more than a decade. i let my skills go to waste. the mat's familiar feel reminded me of countless falls i've broken, countless throws, countless pins made in those past years of my life when i had enjoyed being in aikido. i've let my life go to waste. each day i go to class with a happy-go-lucky and carefree facade, why? cuz i don't want to feel burdened anymore. whats the point of feeling upset about grades when there are other things in life worth caring for. alot of times i see my mom as naggy n such, but aren't all mothers usually so? and my parents are right. i'm a non-committal person. if i can ever commit myself to doing something for life, it'll be the day i win the lottery. i quit music, art, string ensemble, judo, swimming, tennis. the longest fling i ever had with something non-academic was aikido. i loved each and every moment, the fast pace of it all, the fluidity of movements that were meant to save ur skin when the moment called for it, the precise movements that would turn ur opponent on himself. i lost interest once eugene stopped going n steven left. i partnered my cousins to feel the thrill of the sparring, but no diff. it became a chore, and moreso when i had to partner the likes of zhengwen who felt that he should own all and try to apply full force and act like an asshole until he himself got injured. tard. haha this made me feel a lil happier somewhat. him being a tard and me not being the tard. i guess i'm supposed to think of more meaningful stuff to say but atm i'm sooo totally drained and tired and wtfucked. maybe, possibly, i'd make the commitment to get 3 As and 1 A1 for a lvls. maybe. hopefully. possible if i start now. and fuck wow. if i could ask anyone for one thing, just a simple thing, it would be "pls help me". i'm lost, tired, completely zombified, and all i can do, is waste away. tehgo walked into the light @ 2/16/2006 10:42:00 pm -+-+-+-+- |
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Tuesday, February 07, 2006 LiStEninG tO: Shuo Ai Ni by Jolin so starts the common tests. and i'm so lazy i can't be fucked to recount all that. all i know it will live on in my memory as everything had. seriously. what is up with the education system and shit? why are we going thru the same shit at every step... zzz... "it's the last leg of the race!" then a new race starts and it's all so similar... i guess i'm just bored of it all and am ranting... and the fact i have no game card is sooooooooooooooooo gh3y anws. i really really wish we don't have to go thru the same shit bloc after bloc... it's so repetitive and boring and wtmf gay.. hell. even games are boring now. if no1 plays games with me i'll seriously kick games off my com =( life of a fat kid haish.............. tehgo walked into the light @ 2/07/2006 10:47:00 pm -+-+-+-+- |